how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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