He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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