I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.