my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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