Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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