Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
