The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
