We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
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