Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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