the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize