I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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