I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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