I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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