new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
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Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
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Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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