Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
