were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
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I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
As shirtless as possible
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
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I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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