Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You are the jesus of drinking
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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