babies were throwing up all over the place
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
So much Jack, so little girl.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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