Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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