Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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