I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
