Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
