so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
