I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
