Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
