At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
