he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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