I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Randomize
