Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
