It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
