stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
