I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
