Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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