if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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