I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
