a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
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I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
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there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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