i just wanna soil my oats bro
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
