Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
