I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
