He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
