i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
