Old men and throwing up are my life now.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
