ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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