Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
