Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
