last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
