Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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