did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
