Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
