just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
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I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
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DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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