"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
