so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
false alarm, still single
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
