even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
