so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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