All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
