I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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