I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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