I just made out with a guy for $7.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
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at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
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I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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