He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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