No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
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You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
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We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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