There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
