she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
